A little story, i’m a visual communication design graduated and at first (until today) i can’t draw nicely like what fine artist doing. I was learning for 4 years, and then graduated with A score. Nothing special.

But, at the last year of learning, i just know how to work it out. It was just happened suddenly although i didn’t understand it entirely.

For the last project, i finished them only in three months – from concepting to the last products, six months before the last evaluation session. It just click. I was on idle mode for three months looked for inspiration (?), but as i understand, it wasn’t it that i need.

Inspiration was the last step of concepting after everything else was found. The everything else were about information and experience.

So, yes, i knew about the subject i took for absolute 4 years, only after i stumbled upon many “what is that? why is that?” period – although i still don’t understand what’s the point of it rather than giving information with some style.

From that period, i know how my brain works.

I was a person who (only) can work after i understand the subject itself. The click was real. As soon as i understood and knew how to look at its perspective, i could deliberately did it and understood the project more clearly.

But, that was also the reason i don’t make design as a main job. I still don’t understand much about it. Yes, i can make good score on my project, but doing something i can’t grab my head to at all is a risky thing to do. For now (8 years after graduating), i don’t really understand about visual communication design (as i don’t know what it is, where it is coming from, and how does it works, etc), and i wish in the future i still can learn and find those click for real.

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Today, i get myself into similar pattern – just not in design area. It is music. I’m an amateur musician. I always drawn into music area, but not knowing what to do after i learn the basic.

I mean, i know music – but it’s different. Why everything was so different? It feels like what i listen is different with what others (musician) listen. Is it? Or they just listen differently?

Sometimes, i found people who i can play together with, but it wasn’t what i want. Yet, i still can’t understand.

I trap into the pattern again, but today i do not have anything to grab – experience won’t come easily and information was so diverse i couldn’t even understand the basic they were talking about. I don’t really know where to go, yet i know i need to find that “click” moment.

I become frustated as time goes by because as i try to practice, i don’t understand what i practice and how to make everything good – as i don’t know what good is (well, i know, but i don’t know how it works). It’s been 6 years already. Do i have future for it or i just need to give it up? Do i did pick the right choice, or i was wrong all this time?

Will it be a success or will just be another flop?

I’m still searching for the click. I know, when i get the click, i can do it for once more.

I don’t know where to start, so i’ll just have a bit rest and grief.

For now, perhaps it’s a flop, but i’ll still try to find it. I want to understand, so i can absolutely know what to do. Wish i can get them as soon as possible.

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Photo by Álvaro Serrano on Unsplash